You cut me open and I keep bleeding love.

When is this going to end?

Blame it on the fact that I'm listening to gay music and sappy love songs.  I'm just sitting here on a lonely Friday night, not doing anything and waiting for someone or something to grab my attention. There's nobody to talk to online either. It's times like this that I realize that you know, through everything, I might still be a little unhappy with the way things are. I miss having someone there to dote on me and do things for me just for the mere fact that they love me enough to do so. I miss the times when I didn't have to worry about doing anything, applying to colleges, doing well on my MCATs. The future is some scary ass shit and quite frankly, I hate it.

I know nobody ever got anywhere good without first having to work hard to get there. But I mean, man. Sometimes, I just feel like through everything that I do, I'm just not trying and I'm just giving up on myself. I'm settling for what I have because I'm too lazy to try to aim better. I'm too tired of what my living situation is and how my relationships with people are dissolving into nothing. I'm content with doing nothing and just sitting around. I know I could do better. I know I can care about my future but sometimes, I just don't feel like I do or really want to. Maybe it's this magical belief that I have that my mommy and daddy are going to support me forever. I'm not sure. But quite frankly, I'm tired.

I'm tired of doing everything and getting nothing. I'm tired of being in debt and having a job but still not having the money to pay off my debts. I'm tired of paying for food all the time. I'm tired of driving everywhere. I'm tired of working but not getting paid well enough to sustain myself. I'm just...tired. And when someone's as tired as I am, you need someone who will help pick up the slack. You need someone who will let you rest while they do some of the work.

But where is he for me? Where? I don't see him. He's just like me, expecting that there's always going to be someone there to take care of him, someone who's always going to be there for him whenever he's lazy. Despite it, I'm still here. I'm still standing next to him.

So what do you do in a cycle that's viciously reciprocating itself over and over again?

Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand.

Maybe I make bigger deals out of things that don't need that much worrying about. Like, for example, Henry clubbing with girls I don't know. It bothers me, yes. I hate the idea of some girl and Henry dancing all up on each other. I will probably get mad if Henry calls me right now or I call him and I find out he's still hanging out with them, partying it up like a fucking rockstar. But in the end, you can't stop somebody from doing something that they're so set on doing. And in the end, if Henry really wants to see what it'll be like with other girls, then so be it. My trip to Vegas was proof enough to me that I'm still young and that there are A LOT of people out there for me.

Case in point, let's just call him Tampa boy since I clearly don't want to point out the obvious and I don't really remember his name to begin with. Let's just say I think about him a lot mainly because I wonder what would've happened if things had gone down a certain way or I think about what he might be doing or I think about how situations like these could happen in Houston if I let them happen. So when push comes to shove, I don't regret anything that I did and if I can do it, then so can Henry. It's only a matter of time.

Maybe I'm getting used to the fact that we're not going to ever be together again and I'm settling for the "friendship" card. But again, we'll see. There's no point in investing this much time in something that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's getting to be close to a year since we broke up. I think it's time that I took care of myself and stop hurting myself over something that will never be.

So to you, fuck you and all the shit you put me through. I don't deserve it.

It's funny when you find that silver lining in a sky full of clouds. I think yesterday was definitely my silver lining. Granted, I was pretty upset when Valentine's Day actually started because isn't that poster day for single awareness? Isn't that the only day out of the year where you actually get REMINDED of the fact that you have nobody or that you're stuck in between a rock and a hard place?

Surprisingly, nothing bad happened yesterday. It was all good. Maybe it was my deep and earnest desire to prove that we could actually get through a day without a single argument. Whatever it was, it happened. Nothing. There were no arguments, there were no fights, no frustrations, no tears, nothing. It felt good to get back to what we used to be. Henry left a candle in a basket with my favorite candy, Ferrero Rocher, and a monkey balloon with a framed picture of us outside my house. My parents found it before I did and woke me up to get it. And inside the basket was a heart-shaped note that asked, "Will you be my Valentine? Circle YES or no." Just like in the past.

And I think yesterday was what I needed. It was good. It was the reminder that I needed that sometimes, you don't have to give up on things. Sometimes, all you need to do is work on it, compromise, give a little. Give a little and sometimes, it might just give back.

It might still be a hard uproad mountain that I'll have to climb. But, I think I can do it.

I think it's safe to say...that I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And the year hasn't even started. Maybe I'm tired of school, of fighting with Henry, of being "single", of not knowing what will happen in the future. Nevertheless, I'm tired. I wish I could just fast forward my life and find out that in the end of everything, I am happy. At the end of all the things I've done in my college life, I am utterly satisfied with everything that I could have done. I want to know that what I'm going through now is just a phase, and in the end, it will all work out, one way or another. I want to know that in the end of it all, I will be content, satisfied, happy, loved, fulfilled, and successful.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just fast forward through what you feel is too hard or unimportant? But sometimes, there's importance in the little things that occur in daily life: a phone call from your old friend, a phone call from a new friend, a fight or an argument with someone you love, chatting with the people you care about, driving when it's raining, finding out that your oil in your car only has a 15% life rate, spending money on food you can't finish or even eat. Maybe it is the simplicities in life that help take you away from the buzz of everyday life.

I know right now, at this very point in time, a lot of the things that matter to me now, won't matter to me in a couple of weeks, months, or even years. I'll look back and laugh at myself for being stupid. I may even look back and say to myself, "Why did you wait so long for Henry when there are other people who are waiting for you?" Maybe I'll look back and smile when I think about the times I just sat in my room and cried my heart out, thinking that I could never go on without him. I may laugh at the things we argued about, the things we did. I may get angry because I gave a lot to the relationship but didn't feel like I got much in return.

Who knows right? It's like a movie that you want to skip through the parts you don't like...to get to the parts that you DO like.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.